KELLY

PHOTO BY RANDY BACON

KELLY

“From Chaos to Peace”

I grew up as an only child to parents deeply devoted to ministry. I moved overseas when I was ten. Each of these things led me to believe I didn’t fit in. I didn’t feel like a regular American. I tried to fit the mold of whatever setting I was in. This led to a sense of failure and believing that I didn’t belong. By the time I was 15 I tried to end my life twice.

For years I deeply struggled with depression, anxiety, feelings of inadequacy, and imposter syndrome. Most people never saw it and never knew. Whether it was because of my personality, family of origin or growing up in ministry, I had become a master at hiding behind the persona everyone felt good about. Secretly I was miserable and believed I was irrevocably broken. I believed I wasn’t capable of more or that I didn’t deserve more.

Nearly twenty years later, my world came crashing down as my dark secrets came to life. Exposing my biggest mistakes and failures. I lost everything. I had destroyed my family and lost most of my friends. My reputation, along with the trust people had in me, shattered. In a way, my choices and their consequences were just another way to try to end my life all this time later.

By the grace of God and an amazing therapist I was able to start piecing my life back together in an authentic way. I was able to process, understand, and have the courage to begin living out of my true self as opposed to accommodating to other’s expectations. In some unexpected twist of fate, I began to feel lucky that everything had been exposed and there was no pretending anymore. It was the only way I could rebuild something real.

I still struggle to adequately describe in words how life changing the shift was. From doing to being. From image to truth. From chaos to peace.

It didn’t happen overnight and it wasn’t easy. In fact, it was the darkest and most difficult time in my life. Yet being able to hold onto all my struggles with open hands and still honoring my own soul as I discovered myself was painfully beautiful. Standing in the gap of what is and what you believe requires strength, community, courage and a whole lot of patience.

All I know is that the truth of our soul is lifesaving. The pain of it, that we run from and do everything possible to avoid, won’t kill us. And that life after death is possible.