RHYAN

PHOTO BY RANDY BACON

RHYAN

“Hopeful”

I am a white bisexual woman who has navigated life while feeling unequipped or unfit for it. I grew up in Arizona and moved to Kansas after my biological father was released from prison during my high school years. I grew up in church where there was an expectation that I needed to be a perfect, pure, heterosexual, holy woman and those things aren’t obtainable for me. I felt like I had been set up for failure.

In my young adulthood a lot happened to me, leaving me in a remarkably vulnerable place. My biological father committed suicide. My high school sweetheart and I broke up. I was sexually assaulted by my then best-friends boyfriend. He was forgiven and I was slut-shamed. I lost my closest friend at the time. I discovered my attraction to people goes beyond what I believed it to be. I left the church that felt like a second home. All of this forced me into a place of complete annihilation of security or clarity. I thought I was going to flunk out of college and I didn't think I would ever find healthy love in myself or anyone else. I struggled with life-ending thoughts for a really long time.

This time also offered me room to understand what I wanted to do and who I wanted to be. I am a proud bisexual woman. I am a rape survivor who confronted the man that assaulted me and I rewrote the narrative of how my body and mind were to live inside of that. I forgave my biological father for leaving my life and the world forever. I committed to stop coping with emotional pain in ways that were violent towards my body. I kept what faith had taught me about love and grace and extended it to myself. I advocated for myself in college and ultimately graduated and am pursuing my passion for counseling and people.

The hardest thing I struggle with is having room for my own humanity through everything. I feel like I have to be a superhuman who can do everything all at once which stops me from asking for help or leaning on my community for support. However, at the end of the day, advocacy and love are what keep me going. Knowing there are people all over the world that are fighting for a safer and more loving place keeps me hopeful.