EMILEE
PHOTO BY RANDY BACON
EMILEE
“Every 24 Hours”
When I was nine, my grandmother died unexpectedly - I lost a best friend. I blamed myself. It sent me into this spiral of self blame. At twelve, I started to think, “I have to die, I deserve to die, I’m this monster and terrible person.” I felt that way through my freshman year. I was preoccupied with dying and death.
Before my sophomore year, it was July 13, I was like “this is the day.” I was at home alone. I didn’t follow any of the plans I made for myself and I didn’t write the note that I thought I would write. It was so hasty. It was like I had to do it right then or I would never do it. So I told myself, “You’ve worked up the courage - do it right now.”
I was in softball at the time and thought I’d ride my bike to batting practice after I took all these pills, so I wouldn’t die in my house. That was a big deal for me and I thought that would make it somehow better. I called my mom and said, “Mom I’m gonna do something dumb, really dumb.” And she goes, “Don’t do it. I’ll be home in 20 minutes, it’s gonna be fine.” She made me promise I wouldn’t do it. I promised, and I did it anyway. I took the pills.
I took all the pills and got on my bike and left. It was a whole out of body experience, like I was watching myself from above. And then suddenly I was sucked back into my body. I called my mom hysterical, freaking out, thinking, “Oh my God, I’ve just done this thing that I’ll never be able to recover from. This is going to kill me.”
The minute I said what I did, my mom started barking orders. She said , “Get your coach. Tell her right now that you need to go to the ER. It’s going to be fine.” So I throw all my stuff in my coach’s car and we drive to the hospital. On our way there, my coach was trying to keep me awake and she asks, “What in your life do you have to be happy about?” I was like, how could she even ask that question? At the time I was so mad. It was a good question, but I couldn’t find a good answer.
We spent all day at the hospital - I was in and out of consciousness. It didn't really hit my mom that it was on purpose until my social worker asked me, “Emilee, was this intentional?” My mom goes, “No, no of course not,” and I was like, “Yeah, Mom, it was on purpose.” My mom lost it. She was inconsolable, because no parent wants to think that about their kid.
I was sent to a psych hospital. I was discharged three days later. I went home but my parents didn’t know what to do. We don’t have guns in the house, but how do you get rid of prescription pills or the knife block? Or what do you do? Or who stays home with her when we are at work? So we had to call family members into town to take care of me. I didn’t know what I was going to do and life felt overwhelming. Everything that was dark was too dark and everything that was bright was too bright and I couldn’t look at anything head on. Because I felt like I should have died.
I began seeing a therapist regularly. It was hard work with digging up old stuff I never wanted to remember, and having to be ok with it. When I made that decision in July, I didn’t think it would change my life forever. I thought it would end it. I have to live with it every day. Now it’s not as hard, but back then it was the hardest thing I’d ever done. Will ever do.
I never made another attempt at suicide. I got lucky...no, I didn’t get lucky, I worked hard! I owe everything to my therapist and my parents. I wouldn’t even be here without them. They saved my life.
Some days are hard and I still struggle with depression, but I don’t struggle with feeling suicidal. I’ve realized that life is hard...but life is so good! I’ve had to figure out how to get through each day just by itself. Every day is just one day. So every 24 hours is a new decision to show up and be as grateful and as vulnerable and as happy as you can be, with the circumstances that given day - that 24 hours. So right now I feel amazing and I’ve set up the life I’ve always wanted, in spite of what I wanted when I was 16.
For kids who felt like me, feel like me, you have to find somebody you trust. Whether it’s your parents or your teacher or a coach, it has to be someone who can get you help. I’m so beyond happy and grateful that mine wasn’t a completed suicide. It’s beyond words for me. I can’t believe that this is my life. That I get to drive in 5 o’clock traffic. That I get to have dinner with my parents, or that I have to go to work tomorrow night. Because I almost didn’t. I almost didn’t.