LISA

PHOTO BY RANDY BACON

LISA

“And Please Love Yourself”

I have dealt with suicide pretty much my whole life. The first time I spoke about killing myself, I was only in third grade.

I’ve had a gun to my head. I have said I wanted to kill myself. But honestly, I don’t know that I ever really wanted to die. I just wanted the pain to stop and I didn’t see any other option to get me through it.

Back in 2013, my husband and I were both battling suicidal thoughts. One day, we looked at each other, shook hands and made a promise to each other that we would not kill ourself. Unfortunately, my husband broke the promise and he lost his battle to life. He ended his life April 21, 2013. That completely changed my world. He was my best friend since grade school and I couldn’t see myself being able to live on with life anymore - not just without him but with the pain. After he passed it got pretty severe and I had a couple attempts. I felt very much alone. Misunderstood. I had no reason left to live.

On my last suicide attempt, something different happened. I couldn’t even really tell you exactly what it was. I went through something very spiritual. So, instead of going through with it that day, I simply dropped to the floor on my knees and cried out to a God I never knew before. At that moment, I surrendered myself fully and completely.

After that, I was able to change my thought process about life. I realized there has got to be a purpose why we go through everything in life. Otherwise this whole existence doesn't make sense to me. And with this, I was able to let go of that control piece of feeling in comparison to other people around me. And the minute I let go of it, that was the best choice I ever made in my life. And now looking at my life, I never thought that I could have what I have today. I have found that true inner peace that I could never find previously in this world. I am so glad I am here.

If you are struggling with suicidal thoughts, know that you are not alone. I know it feels like you are, but you are not alone. And just hang on - sleep on it through the night. Live moment by moment and it’s ok one day at a time. Find the small things that you do have that are good and focus on that instead of what you don’t have.

People need to understand that suicide is it’s own individual entity. It’s not just depression. It’s not just anxiety. It doesn't discriminate. It can affect anybody. It can be your child, your spouse, your parent, your co-worker, your friend...anybody. It is a very lonely place to be and giving support to those dealing with suicide is vital, so they know they are not alone.

If anyone is reading this and struggling with some hard thoughts, please reachout. Find that person that you can trust that will meet you where you are at and not judge you and help get you to that safe place that you deserve to be.

And, please, love yourself.