MICHELLE

PHOTO BY RANDY BACON

MICHELLE

“There is a Different Way of Life”

I was in high school. I thought I’d met the love of my life. I know now that he was anything but the love of my life. I became pregnant with my daughter who is now 24 and she has definitely learned what love is NOT. That helps her learn what to look for in love and life.

Things were good in my marriage to start, for a couple years anyway. Then it started as name calling like I was fat, or lazy or not a good mom, or I didn’t do enough for him. I truly believed that I was a lousy wife and that I didn’t do enough, even though inside I was swarming...I felt like I didn’t have another minute to do anything.

One night my husband didn’t come home. My mom called me and said, “don’t turn on the TV, I’ll be right there”. And like anyone would, I turned on the TV. There was a picture of my husband and another gentleman that we grew up with and the caption was “two suspects captured for rape and murder”.

The best year and a half of our marriage was while he was in jail and on trial for rape and murder, which he was aquitted for. I don’t know whether he did it or not. It’s not my place to judge, that’s God’s place.

When he got out of jail he was very bitter at the world and it immediately started with me. He wasn’t home for two days and he pushed me down the steps and broke every single one of my ribs and punctured my lung. It really escalated from there. The abuse got so bad to the point where he shot me, and it was then that I woke up. I knew I had to escape or that he would kill me. I truly think those were his intentions.

I’ve skipped a lot of parts...because we were married for 21 years. But I don’t like to sit around and talk about how bad I was beaten. I had a rough marriage. My husband was charged with raping me. It was legal for a man to rape his wife until 1993 I think. So he was one of the few people in Missouri that was actually convicted of raping his wife back then. I had cancer and I was on bed rest. My husband thought that wasn’t good enough for him, so he had his way with me.

The whole time my daughter was watching all of this. I kept thinking, man...what a crappy mom I must be to let her see all of the abuse. The only thing I wanted was for her to understand that this is not love. That screaming and fighting, kicking, biting was not love.

After my husband shot me I left the hospital and went to my uncle and asked for a gun. I’d never even really seen a gun or used a gun. I carried the gun down my pants for 3 days and told myself that the next time he hits me I’m going to blow his brains out. I meant it. I was going to kill him because if I didn’t, he was going to kill me.

On the third day I was in the kitchen cooking dinner and he hit me. I went to grab the gun, and he pulled it out of my hands and shot me. The day I left the hospital I began calling domestic violence shelters. When I got to the shelter I was BROKEN. Someone there asked me what my favorite color was, and it hit me….I had no clue what my favorite color was. I had no idea who I was as a person. It’s almost like when I got to that place, I was born.

I began healing. It was the most painful thing I’ve ever experienced...even more painful than the abuse. Because I was reliving it. It was no joke. I felt lonely, and broken and every emotion I never experienced in life for myself I began experiencing. It was like a rollercoaster. But I made the change and started to live for myself and I never looked back. I had hate for my husband for so many years. But I forgave him for me. I released myself from being so angry at him. He died of a heroin overdose and my daughter is the one who found him.

I am now happily remarried. I know what love is. We have a real love and a real sacred thing. We had to go to counseling, because I had a hard time believing that he wouldn’t snap at any minute and start beating me. I had a hard time believing that he could just love me. I had to learn what love really was. I wake up in the morning and my husband says, “good morning baby, did you sleep well?” or he says, “have a good day today”. And he means it. That’s what love is. Life is beautiful when life and love are what they are supposed to be.

I tell you this story to let you know that if you are experiencing abuse, there is a different way of life. It’s not easy, but you can do it. And the reward at the end is so, so amazing.