CECIL

PHOTO BY RANDY BACON

CECIL’S STORTY

I am originally from California and raised out there till I was about twenty-seven. Then I moved out to Oklahoma for a while and moseyed on over to Missouri shortly thereafter. I've been in the Show Me State ever since. I met a girl out here and we had two daughters. But stuff happened and we broke up for a while. I made a mistake and ended up going to do a bit of time. When I got out, we stayed together for awhile, but things got bad. I found myself just kind of bouncing around, trying to figure life out. I guess for some people life's easy, but I guess it just don't come easy for me. But I'm still trying, I'm still alive and I still got my sense of humor.

What I want people to know about me is that I like and care about people a lot. Sometimes the things I do, my actions don't show it. And sometimes I don't even know why I do the things I do. You know, part of the problem is that I get to drinking and I do knucklehead stuff, but I do regret it afterwards. I really do like people. I mean I think I can honestly say, there’s nobody that I know that I actually hate. When somebody wrongs me, I'm quick to forgive and not hold a grudge, and I've just been lucky that nothing terrible has happened to any of my family or anything to put me in a position to where I would have a lot of hate or animosity towards another person. So that's been a real blessing in that aspect.

Yes, I just like people and I like doing things for ‘em too. One of my hobbies is cooking, I like to draw, and I'll do these for people. I'm always drawing pictures and givin’ em to people and cookin’ and stuff. I love seein’ the expression on their face...when they like it and they’re happy, it makes me feel real good. My psychologist told me though that sometimes that's not a good thing, being such a people pleaser. Cause sometimes you'll put yourself out in the process and maybe that's why I end up doing knucklehead stuff. I get hurt by people.

I've been on the streets, on and off, really for most of my life. When I was with the mother of my daughters, that's when I actually had a home. My real dad traveled all over for work, and he made good money, but he didn't like having a house and being tied down and all that. He loved all that outdoors, camping type of life, you know. I never really knew my dad and he ended up getting murdered in California. But I think I still got a lot of that from him and I mean he didn't raise me or anything, but it’s still in me. You know when things are going really good for me and I'm doing good, for some odd reason, I need a little chaos or sporadic in my life, you know, and then I end up doing dumb stuff. Then I find myself struggling again to get back right.

The hardest part about being homeless is not having a place to have my mom and stepdad and brothers all come hang out, have dinner and stuff, with me at my place. As far as having my own place and paying bills and all that, it's kind of alien to me. I know it comes natural to my brothers, my mama and all them, but I guess in some ways, I'm just different in that regard.

I don't know if this lifestyle is really a choice for me, but for some reason I keep ending up doing it again and again, cause I guess in some ways, I do like it. But I get out there on the streets and I'm doing it, then it gets cold and I'm wanting my own place. And I want a place for people to come over and stuff. If I had a place, I'd even grab a bunch of these people out here on the streets to come over for dinner. I would love to cook for them.

What's my dream? My dream is to get steady, get stabilized and get on my feet, and somehow get rich. Cause if I can get rich, I could go buy a big piece of land and develop it and have my whole family move in there and everyone would have their own house. I want to help my family and others.

As far as some final words. My advice is don't do what I'm doing or at least do what I'm doing but do it in a different way. Also, for anybody I have done wrong, I am truly sorry and hope you forgive me.