JONATHAN

PHOTO BY RANDY BACON

JONATHAN’S STORY

My name is Jonathan and I am thirty years old. When I moved to where my parents were born and raised, I really wasn’t happy. I was only ten years old when we moved and I lost all of my friends. I didn’t know anybody, and I didn’t know anything about this new place. As a kid, moving to a completely different world than what I was used to shook my way of thinking; it really shook up everything inside of me, right down to my very core.

I think that this started an ongoing struggle in my life at an early age. I spent a lot of time trying to figure out where my place was. That’s a really hard way to start out as a young kid. All of a sudden I felt lost. I felt like I didn’t have a home. I guess I still don’t feel like I have a home. I don’t know where I belong and I feel like I’m just treading water. I’m running out of energy, though. It’s only every once in a while that I feel I am able to get my head above water and catch a quick breath.

More than that, though, the hardest part of all of this is feeling like I’ve lost my purpose. It’s like I’ve lost my reason for being here. Despite that, though, I still feel like I’m a pretty decent human being. I’m a human being who loves and a human being who is a hopeless romantic. I’m a human being who enjoys poetry. I’m a human being who just wants to be able to have his own family and have people around me who love me unconditionally, the way I love them. I had that once but it was all taken from me.

I have three kids. As soon as my first child was born a little over ten years ago, I knew in that moment why I was on this earth. I knew that my responsibility was to make sure that they grew and eventually reached an age where they were able to take care of themselves. I’m not able to do that now. Since my kids have been taken from me, I’ve lost that one thing that gave me a drive and a purpose. I still feel that drive deep down inside of me but I always wonder why. I wonder why I still have any drive at all.

I wake up every day with hope that there is something else but the only certainty any of us have in life is death. Nothing else is guaranteed. I guess the only thing any of us can live for is hope. If we don’t have hope, what do we have? Nothing. I wake up every day with the hope of something better. I wake up everyday with the thought of something better. I wake up every day and, despite my circumstances, am thankful for the chance to wake up that morning. When I open my eyes, the first thing I see is my daughter who used to wake me up every morning by leaning over my bed and saying, “daddy, daddy, I’m hungry.” I hope for the chance to have that again. My children are the loves of my life.

There are a lot of people who live life without ever truly knowing the feeling of living with a purpose. I feel that way, too. But judging people, taking away from people and not giving them an opportunity or ability to shine does a number to them. People can only get beat down so much before they start believing they are scum. That mindset sinks in deep.

We are supposed to love each other. We are supposed to help each other. But I’ll be damned if this world isn’t filled with anything but hate. Humanity needs some enlightenment. Whether that enlightenment is towards ourselves or towards somebody else, the only reason we’re here is to make each other better. That’s purpose. I might not be able to give everybody everything they need but, you know, if someone comes to me shivering in the cold saying that they don’t have enough clothes or a place to stay, I’ve got their back. It’s the least I can do.