ERIN

PHOTO BY RANDY BACON

ERIN

“I Will Never Live in FEAR again”

My journey has been long and not always sunny. I was sexually molested from the age of five to eight years old. At the time it was happening I never told anyone. My abuser told me, if I told, I would be taken from my family. So, I kept this horrible secret. We moved from the city when I was eight, that’s when the abuse stopped.

My parents were going through a divorce. I told my mom during this awful time for her, about my abuse. She told me she was sorry and so glad we had moved. I never healed and it was never spoken of again. For the next 12 years, I ran on a very slippery slope of sex, drugs, and rock & roll. These were my most favorite things. I had no self-confidence, I truly hated who I was.

I met my husband in college and for the first time in my life I felt as though I could be a better version of myself. He let me be me and loved me just as I was. He saved my life. We were married in 1993.

I have struggled with severe anxiety. Right after my second child was born, I was crippled with thoughts of something terrible happening to me or one of my children. I had a hard time ever letting my children out of my sight. Not the normal fear moms feel. Sitting in the window watching for them to get home from anywhere, crying until they pulled in the driveway. My kids didn’t go to sleepovers or ride their bikes in the neighborhood. They didn’t get to be normal kids. I carried those fears for 20+ years. I have been on medication for anxiety for almost 30 years.

When my children got older, I was faced with the fear of how I might be after they moved away from home. I had medicated and kept myself so busy, I had never given my trauma and abuse a chance to surface. I was a wife, mom, businesswoman, PTA President, booster club president, community volunteer and I wore all these hats for many years. I didn’t have time to deal with ME. The person I was prior to being a wife and mom was dead. I began to have flashbacks, night terrors, panic attacks and began remembering all the trauma and sexual abuse I had endured. In the spring of 2017, my amazing husband took my face in his hands, and told me I had to get help. He said he felt as though they were losing me. I knew I needed help. That was the day my life would change forever.

I started therapy in April 2017. My first few visits, I never really spoke, I just laid on the floor and cried. From my first meeting with my therapist, I felt safe. She convinced me to try EMDR therapy and it changed my life. It has been the hardest thing I have ever gone through. It is hard to put into words what it feels like during a session. Gut wrenching, nauseating, sobbing, tightness in my chest and yes physical pain that has caused numerous RA flairs is pretty accurate. But, as I have walked those memories to my box and put them away, I have become whole and healthy. My husband, children and an amazing group of ladies have supported me every step of the way.

I will probably always suffer from my anxiety, but I am able to manage it and I will never live in FEAR again. It has taken me 40 years to look in the mirror and not only like ME, but I am proud of who I have become. My hope is that telling my story will help someone else feel safe enough to speak out. I wish someone would have helped me find the courage years ago.