MANDY
PHOTO BY RANDY BACON
MANDY
“You and I Have a Choice”
I feel like people who have suffered trauma, don’t know it at the time. My first memory was when I was three. My mom left my dad; it was an abusive relationship, and she had taken me to my aunt and uncle's house. One morning my aunt woke me up, snatched me out of bed and was frantically putting clothes in a bag. She grabbed me, ran down the stairs and pushed me out onto the front porch where my dad was sitting with tears in his eyes. I didn’t really understand, but he didn’t have permission to take me that morning. That was the beginning. I wouldn’t see him again till I was 8. I grew up with a stepfather who couldn’t work, 3 stepsisters with trauma, and a mom who was in survival mode and addicted to speed. My stepfather made racial “jokes” about me being Mexican and felt threatened by me. I felt I had to shrink myself for him to love me. All I wanted was a dad. That went on until I was 14. My mom started to see things as they were. We left the summer after my 8th grade year, moved out to the middle of nowhere to live with my aunt & uncle again. This triggered the first of many coping mechanisms. The only way I knew to handle my loneliness and depression at 14, was eating. That I could control. I would binge on anything my mom would let me get at the store. That’s when I chose to go live with my dad. That year changed everything. My dad was abusive, and this time I experienced and witnessed it first-hand. I sunk deep into depression. After less than a year, my mom came and pulled me out of school and took me to live with her. My dad threw my clothes and belongings outside on the ground saying, “don’t come back until you’re 18”. I was devastated.
My 9th grade year started experimentation with drugs. Huffing butane, weed, opium, drinking, which quickly escalated to acid, ecstasy, heroin, smoking crack…you name it. If it was offered, I did it as long as it took me outside of myself. After years of a drug induced haze and a dangerous, self-sabotaging, partying lifestyle, I turned to heavy drinking for a period. From there, I entered a string of codependent, abusive relationships, the last of which I was badly beaten by my then fiancé. I literally ran for my life that night. Something had to give. I went to work changing my life. I met my son’s father and became pregnant. That changed everything. I had a purpose. All I wanted was to become the best version of myself for my son. Unfortunately, I didn’t know how to navigate a healthy relationship or unhealed trauma and I turned to my eating disorder again. This time it was bulimia. I started a new chapter, just my son and I, trying very hard to make better choices. I thought I could offset the ED with exercise and healthy eating. I started working in fitness and met my now ex-husband who was a professional athlete. That further ramped up my eating disorder because of my own feelings of unworthiness. I opened a fitness studio with a partner and not a year in, she bowed out. I took over the studio, and after 6 months, had a career ending injury. Shortly after, I had to close the studio and my husband told me he wanted a divorce. I was in excruciating physical and emotional pain. I focused all my attention on self-love, healing, and my son. Another life changing chapter. I had to find a new career path. I unexpectedly ended up at Burrell. I was where I was meant to be. The mission of Burrell spoke deeply to my heart. Physical to mental wellness made sense, having been on my own journey. No matter what anyone may try to lead you to believe, you are a unique and wonderful gift to this world. My journey has taught me we are not our traumas, or our struggles; we’re not the worst decision we have ever made, and we are not the things that have happened to us. You and I have a choice, every day and with the right support and a lot of self-love, you can create the life you want; the life you deserve. I am humbled and grateful to be proof of that, and I’m not even close to done yet.