MICHELLE

PHOTO BY RANDY BACON

MICHELLE

“It’s Okay to Get Help”

My childhood was full of trauma. My father left when I was two years old and has continuously rejected me throughout my life. I watched my mother be abused during my childhood: physically, emotionally, and mentally. I was mentally and emotionally abused by my stepfather and other men in my life. While others I know remember a lot from their first decade of life, I only remember bits and pieces, as my mind has locked away much of my childhood as a coping mechanism. I can trace my anxiety to as early as I can remember, and my anxiety attacks as a child were touted as "over-emotional meltdowns."

I struggled through what would now be called rejection sensitivity dysphoria until the last five years -- my self-worth was terrible, and I had significant rejection/abandonment issues. I battled severe depression, self-harm and suicidal ideation in my teens and twenties. I did not have any sort of help for my mental health until I was in my early 20s, on my own and engaged to my now husband of nearly 20 years, who was the first to see my struggle for what it really was and get me help. It has been a long, long road to recovery and acceptance of who I am. My self-worth was non-existent until probably the last decade of my life, and even then, was not great but improving. While I sought mental help in the past, it was often short-lived, as I didn't feel worthy of the expense and time for many, many years. I reached another breaking point in late 2019 and sought help again. I still have standing appointments with the same counselor and have made more progress in the last two years with my mental health than I thought possible.

I live my life by the concept of Echaristeo – one I came across in the book 1000 Gifts by Ann Voskamp; it marked the beginning of a major transformation in my life. Most simply broken down, it means to be grateful for God’s grace in every situation and there you will find joy. I take that to heart and tend to be an optimist these days, seeking out the silver lining in all situations and, if I can’t currently find it, believing that it will come over time. Because of my past and the lack of coping mechanisms I had for the first 2.5 decades of my life, we have sought out mental health strategies for our boys from the onset of struggle with each of them. It was vitally important to me that we recognize their mental struggles, acknowledge them, and seek professional help for them early on. I wanted them far more equipped for life as adults with mental struggles than I was -- because I wasn't at all when released out into the wild alone.

While I'm in the best place mentally that I think I've ever been in, my struggle right now is regular life stress coupled with the ongoing needs of our children. Neurodiverse parents raising neurodiverse children is HARD. Our youngest is struggling with a lot of things right now. A late autism diagnosis for him at 8.5 years old, means early intervention was lost. We are still, nearly three years after diagnosis, dealing with all the unintentional masking and the impact that's had on him. His struggles seem to get more diverse and complicated, not less. And while our oldest, 14, is growing up to be a wonderful human being, he also needs extra care and attention with anxiety, Dysgraphia and ADHD. Through all of this, I want to put out to the world, especially for my generation, it's okay to not be okay. You don't have to push it down. You don't have to "be strong" or "suck it up." IT'S OKAY TO GET HELP FROM A PROFESSIONAL. That was so faux pax when I was growing up in the church (ironic, right?), where mental struggle meant your faith wasn't strong enough. It's complete and utter nonsense. It's never too late to get help and feel better.