Jessica "Don't Fight Alone"

Photo provided by Jessica

My internal war began at a young age. Age six to be exact. I went an elementary school where one of the authority figures molested children, me included. From age six, to age 11 I dreaded going to school from out of fear of what he’d do to me, if I was the one chosen to go down to his office. He never touched us (or at least as far as I know) under the clothing, but it was still enough to cause damage and fear.

This authority figure in my life slowly caused a fear of men to take root and embed itself within me. When middle school started, I was terrified of all my male teachers and of any of male faculty at my school. I was afraid they’d harm me the same way the previous one had. I gradually started to build up walls around me.

Then the summer before 7th grade, the worst thing I could’ve imagined happened. My mom passed away. After her death, I lost the few friends I had. Everyone distanced themselves from me, as if depression was contagious. From this point, I spiraled out of control. I began self-harming, eating way too much or not at all, I stopped showering, I stopped completing my schoolwork-I just quit on life. I felt like I was drowning in my emotions. I felt as if nobody cared (which wasn’t true, but I couldn’t see past my pain). Six months after my mom died, on January 21st, 2015, I planned to take my own life.

I created to be what seemed like the perfect plan. I hid pills and a note under my mattress and went to youth group, one last time. At church, I sat alone, per usual. Then, something out of the ordinary happened. Someone came to me. I was the loneliest loser in that school and in the youth group, and another kid came to the back, took my hand, and told me he’d saved me a seat. That night I went home and flushed the pills and the note. To this day, I still consider him to be my hero.

Still desperate to find friends, I befriended this girl that many people had warned me about. I should’ve listened. To sum up, she was by far the most toxic and abusive friend that I had ever been with. She spread false rumors about me and lied constantly. Eventually, I gained the courage to leave her behind, but that wasn’t the end of bad relationships I’d face.

My first boyfriend caused my fear of men to grow exponentially. I ignored every red flag as his behavior quickly went from charming to toxic and abusive. I had to throw away clothing I owned that he didn’t approve of. I lost lots of friends because he didn’t like them (thankfully, they were supportive and there for me after the breakup). I constantly defended him around my family, who turned out to be right about just how awful he was for me. He guilt tripped me into sex many times, by either using the “if you loved me excuse” or by making me fear for my life. Then, one horrid night, the night before homecoming, he raped me.

I remember going to homecoming the next day, so shaken and terrified. He wouldn’t let go of my arm. I tried to get help from my teachers, but he followed me. I tried to go into the restroom to get someone else to find help, but he banged on the door and wouldn’t let me stay in there for too long. I gave up trying to get help and attempted to overdose. This time it was my dog who stopped me from overdosing. She licked my hand until the pills fell onto floor and allowed me to hold her as I sobbed.

I am now in a healthy relationship, but past traumas greatly affected how I function. At first, my boyfriend couldn’t hug me, unless I initiated it. He couldn’t raise his voice without me breaking down. He couldn’t move too quickly without me cowering and flinching. He couldn’t even go to hold my hand without me having a breakdown. Because of all of this, I finally opened up to him, my family, and close friends about what had happened and why I became so scared and distant.

With loving help and support, I was able to get therapy, a diagnosis, and medications that work right for me. It’s been a long and hard journey, and to be honest, I do still battle a war within my head. I still struggle with PTSD and Bipolar disorder, but I have found proper coping methods and self-care tools to help me from spiraling out of control. This doesn’t mean that I don’t still have my bad days, because I do. However, I have a great support system who I can call and rely on when life becomes too much of a burden to handle alone.

I truly agree with John Lennon when he said, “Everything will be okay in the end. If it’s not okay, it’s not the end.” Keep fighting this war, but know you don’t have to fight alone.

1-800-273-8255-suicide prevention hotline.