SYDNEY

PHOTO BY RANDY BACON

SYDNEY

“Don’t Give Up”

My life was completely changed on February 8, 2017 when my father, Michael, took his own life. Although, that was the day I lost my dad forever, he was gone way before then. I found out he was an alcoholic and I never knew why. Was it a mental illness he was hiding from? Was it because he was unhappy with his life? I never knew because he never talked about what was going on in his head.

My mom, my sister, and I all tried to hold an intervention for my dad to stop drinking, for his family. I thought to myself, if he knew how much his drinking was hurting our family, he would stop drinking, right? I was wrong. After the intervention his drinking just became sneakier. He would hide the alcohol in different bottles hoping we wouldn’t notice, but we always knew.

The alcohol was tearing my family apart and there was nothing I was able to do. My dad was not himself due to the alcohol - he used to be happy, bubbly, compassionate, but that all changed when alcohol entered the picture. One instance I will never forget was when my dad told me to stay in the car to have a little “chat”. My dad went ranting about how I need to grow up and have more responsibilities. In my eyes I thought I was a great daughter. I was a straight “A” student, top five in my class ranking academically, captain of my dance team, never partied, and completed all my chores. Then he told me, “I failed as a father because of the way you turned out.” Those words will always be etched into my mind; I felt disappointment in myself and a strong hatred for the person I had become. Everyone told me it was the alcohol speaking, but those words still cut deep and left wounds in my heart.

In August 2016, my dad wasn’t feeling well so my mom took him to the ER in hopes of figuring out what was wrong. We found out, dad had severe pancreatitis from the amount of alcohol he consumed. My dad was in the ICU in very critical condition for a couple of weeks. He was going through withdrawals from alcohol while in the hospital and he wasn’t himself. We thought this was his wakeup call to stop drinking after almost dying from it. When my dad got out, he hugged me and told me he would never do this to me again. His biggest fear after being hospitalized was his family watching him die on a hospital bed.

My dad was finally sober for a few months after getting home and I thought this was where my life finally got better. I thought I was getting my dad back until I got home on January 21 to a note stating that he left to California for rehab. I was confused; I thought he was sober, but my mom said he had recently started drinking again. He didn’t tell us what rehab he was going to. The only way to reach him was through email.

On February 8, 2017 I came home to my mom sobbing uncontrollably and that was a sight I had never seen before. She sat my sister and I down and told us, “I am going to tell you the worst news you will ever hear. Your father took his own life.” All I could do at this point was cry and ask questions. We found out my dad never went to rehab; he went to Las Vegas to party and gamble before committing suicide. He waited for the right moment and drove to an alley and shot himself in his car. Suicide brings up a lot of questions that we can only assume the answers to go along with them.

After losing my father my life was completely different. I blamed myself for my dad drinking and for him taking his life. I felt like I wasn’t enough for him to stay and those thoughts took over my life for months after his passing. I slipped into a dark place where I felt hopeless and alone despite the love and support from all my family and friends. I wanted to be with my dad and leave all the pain on Earth, but I convinced myself to stay.

I have so much to live for and so much more of my life to live. All you have to do is ask for help and know you’re not alone. There are people out there that care about you. Don’t shut off the people who love you due to depression or a mental illness. You matter. Don’t give up.