ROBIN
PHOTO BY RANDY BACON
ROBIN
“I Wish I Had That”
My name is Robin and my daughter's name is Blessing. We were living in Hawaii and when Blessing was 25 her father and I divorced. The island is very small; we were married 17 years and it was very hard for me to stay there, so I had to leave. I moved to Colorado to get my bachelors degree.
Blessing stayed in Hawaii. She went to cosmetology school and got married. Being far away, I knew some of what was going on, but I didn’t really know how bad it was for her...the drinking and drugs.
I got a call one day and her husband, at the time, said, “Robin, you’ve gotta come to Hawaii. You gotta help us with her.” She was living in her car with another man and she was down to 90 pounds. I went to Hawaii. It was horrible because her behavior was so unruly. But Blessing agreed to go to a hospital to detox and I went back to Colorado. Everything was okay for a while with her but then I got another call. Blessing was getting more and more in trouble. We had to get her off the island.
Blessing went to a rehab in Florida. It was there, she met another man, named Andy. I liked him but found out later that two people in rehab are not good together at all. I don’t think they realized that either. Once they left rehab, Blessing and Adam asked to stay with me in Colorado. I agreed. So they jumped on the plane and immediately started drinking. The drinking did not stop. A few months later I found Andy dead on my couch. He drank himself to death. I was traumatized.
Even with this, Blessing continued to drink and she was becoming more difficult to manage. Then I got the call that she was in the drunk tank. She had gotten in a big fight with a stranger. Her ribs were broken and she broke the other person's nose.
It got worse. I couldn’t live with the extreme anxiety of her unpredictable behavior, such as punching holes in the wall. I was so afraid I was going to be kicked out of my house. I finally had no choice but to ask her to leave. After I asked her, I put some clothes in the wash and went outside to have a drink. I went back inside and that’s when I found Blessing. She was hanging from the wire racks in the laundry room.
I screamed bloody murder. I don’t know how I got her down, but I did. She plopped down and her hair kind of flopped over her head. I didn't know what to do, so I left her until the police and ambulance came. I was so scared. The thought of this will never ever go away - I want it to, but I don’t know how it ever will.
After her death, I was and am very isolated. I have 5 brothers. None of them asked me when the service was for my daughter. Nothing. I stood there alone at her funeral. I have been so alone in this journey. So alone. I have friends, but I feel like I have nothing to give them, nothing to contribute. My spirit is broken.
Part of me feels that when people try to take their lives it’s selfish. They’re not thinking about how others are going to feel at all. With my daughter I feel that being in this physical life just was not good for her. And I’ve accepted that she has gone where she’s safe. She’s not going to hurt anymore.
Blessing has been gone three years next month, July 2019. I’ve tried to get help, but I am alone. If I’m scheduled for an appointment and it’s been a bad day, it’s hard to go. It is hard to do anything.
I don’t know what I would tell anyone else going through this. I really don’t know. Because going through this I really don’t know what the right thing is to say to anybody. However, family, please be there for the suicide survivor. No matter how little. Even if it’s just a card in the mail. You are needed. I would have loved to have had someone to talk to. I wish I had that.