GARY
PHOTO BY RANDY BACON
GARY
“Life Is Valuable”
I came from Lancaster, Pennsylvania about four years ago, down to Arkansas, with a friend of mine. Then to West Plains, Missouri, and man I was doing good. Got my six dogs...then I ended up in the psych ward for suicide fifteen months ago. From there, they brought me here to Springfield, Missouri, but I had no ID so I became homeless. Fifteen months later, here I am still homeless.
Growing up, I used to be bullied all the time and I used to run from people, I used to be shy, I used to walk alleyways instead of the streets, you know. I would try to stay hidden from society. I’m fifty-eight years old now. As a kid, I had never left my state, never experienced nothin'. Ah man, it was rough. Man, at the schools I went to, I was one of the few blacks in school, was always with the amish, went to a one-room schoolhouse. Especially back in the 70s, it was rough, you know what I mean? When you find out in the eighth grade that you’re black...I know that seems crazy, but that wasn’t taught in my family so we didn’t know until it was pointed out to us. We were raised to appreciate the rainbow. I’m a little blank about my childhood ‘cause I was left in the dark a lot. My mom was thirteen, my dad was fourteen when they had me.
Right now I’m struggling with being homeless. Knowing where I’m gonna lay my head, gettin' up in the morning, wondering where my next meal gonna come from. Dealing with the suicide issue...I felt left alone in the dark, I didn’t care, didn’t have no home, didn’t want to live. Didn’t want to be here, just wanted to be resting in peace. ‘Cause being homeless is no rest at all. I feel targeted and victimized a lot, I try to be happy, and I try to make other people happy. For real though, I’m a pretender of being happy because inside I’m not.
People don’t see me as who I am inside. I mean, life itself is rough anyway, I don’t care what status you got, it’s still rough. You know, people look at me as a stereotype instead of really looking at me for who I am, for what’s inside me. I just want to be respected. I want to be cared for, and I want to care for. I am scared to show who I really am, ‘cause that makes me vulnerable. I wasn’t raised that way. I had to struggle for everything. Nobody gave me nothin', except for the few people who give me some love and make me feel like I’m worthy and loved.
All I can say is that at the end of the tunnel there’s a light and there is happiness with whatever struggles you got. You can’t give up on yourself. Man, every day is a new day. I know I struggle hard. When I leave up outta here...see, you go home and lay your head on a pillow, and I gotta put mine down on some cement.
My dream is to be off the streets. To live in my own home and see my great grandbabies I ain’t ever seen. All I gotta say is you gotta think positive ‘cause help is out there. You can’t give up, especially on yourself, ‘cause I thought I was worthless and now I feel like somebody. The last several days have been better, ya know, but if there’s any advice that I can give anybody, it’s that your life is worth something. Your life is precious because a little sadness, a little whatever you got goin' on don’t mean you have to give up, because I almost did, and I’m glad I didn’t. 'Cause life is valuable and we all have a valuable gift of life, there is no sense in taking it away. Live it….live it!