ASHLEY AND CHILDREN

PHOTO BY RANDY BACON

ASHLEY AND CHILDREN

“Abuse is Not Just…'“

I’ve had domestic violence and abuse in my life pretty much since my childhood. I grew up running from my father. We moved from California, and we went and hid for a while in Tucson, Arizona until my dad found where we were. He was definitely not a very kind person. When our mom got her first car, my father actually filled the gas tank up with rice, because it was the first vehicle she had to get us around anywhere. She had no choice but to stop what she was doing and work at a daycare, because there was nowhere else that we could go, so she had to work where we were. I guess I didn’t realize it but as I was growing up, I kind of found men that were the same way as my father. Most of the time it started with substance abuse that led to domestic violence. I ended up a teen mom, and I kind of grew up with my kids.

When I was an early teen, I ended up being sent to group homes. I went from one group home to another group home and another. I went for lots of years of my life without a place...and I guess I still don’t exactly have a place, but my kids kind of saved me. They made sure that I didn’t stay in a lot of the relationships or places that I didn’t need to be in.

I ended up really bad on crack cocaine for a long time. I finally left an eight year relationship full of substance abuse and constant battles and fighting...things that just shouldn’t have been around my kids at all. It was really hard to seperate the abuse mentally and the abuse physically, because for me, it was a lot easier to get over the physical abuse. But when I realized that I couldn’t have my son grow up like that, was when it saved us. I hadn’t been as worried about my daughter, but when I had my son it turned into something a little scarier, because the treatment of my child was different from my abuser to my daughter - than it was from him to my son, and it scared me a lot more. Then it became super violent. My abuser was constantly threatening to kill my kids’ pets, or kill me...so finally I decided I was going to leave that relationship, and we ended up homeless.

I have ten years off of hard drugs now and it’s definitely been a lot better than anything I can remember. I want my future to just feel content. I don’t know another word to say but...boring sounds good. I am really tired of feeling overly and constantly emotional or drained or depressed or having to battle my own stuff from PTSD, and having to try to accommodate all my feelings to make sure that my kids are okay. I just want everybody to have their own room and a space where they feel like they can be themselves…and a kitchen would be great. I haven’t had a kitchen all year. The fact that I am who my kids have keeps me going...because I probably wouldn’t be here at all if it wasn’t for them. I would’ve lost myself a long time ago. I grew up really fast, and so I want my kids to still feel like kids as long as possible.

I want people to understand that abuse is not just a physical or mental “thing” between you and somebody else. It becomes a part of who you are as well. I know a lot of girls who can’t just get up and leave situations, it can be really scary sometimes, you have to just sit back and deal with what’s happening at the moment, and try to wait for your opportunity to leave. But if you know that it’s only going to get worse, it’s not just like a moment of anger, if it’s something that’s consistent, and builds, you know it’s just gonna get greater and more violent, you have to look for your opportunity to leave. My advice is to be who you are, instead of what someone else is trying to make you.