JOHN
PHOTO BY RANDY BACON
JOHN
“I’m Still Working”
In 2013 I began going to marriage counseling with my wife and things kept getting worse. In May of 2014, my counselor recommended that I go to an agency that specializes in helping domestic violence victims for help. The main issue (I thought at the time) was that although I worked full time and made 80,000 dollars a year, my wife wouldn’t even give me money for gas. I didn’t want to leave my wife and my Case Manager never pressured me to. I began to recognize some of the financial, physical, and verbal abuse; but for religious reasons I wanted to try to fix the marriage. My wife’s spending caused me to cash out my retirement twice, to pay off her credit card debts. The financial abuse had escalated to her controlling my income and not giving me adequate money for gas and essentials. With renewed hope I thought my marriage could be fixed. However, things got worse as my wife started calling the police on me, and during one of our marriage counseling sessions my wife got into one of her tirades. The counselor called the police, and she left before the police came. This was the end, I wanted a divorce.
I told my Case Manager I wanted a divorce. She and I began to plan my escape. I knew trying to get free would be at enormous personal cost. I could lose my kids, my career, my job, the house and I was risking my very life. My Case Manager helped me choose a good lawyer because under the now immense psychological torture, physical, financial and sexual abuse I was unable to make good decisions. My wife didn’t work and she was not letting me sleep. She was hiding my glasses and medicine, physically attacking me, and not letting me leave the room until I had sex with her. She often told me I was going to go to jail. She was going to tell the police I was abusing her. She was spending huge amounts on credit cards so that the bills were so high I would be unable to pay them and no money to escape or pay a lawyer. I took out a loan and on May 20, 2015 I filed for divorce.
My wife responded by filing a child protection and adult protection order the next day. These orders kicked me out of the house and deprived me of all my stuff. The protection order forbade me from having any contact with my kids. She had the Courts ban me from my church and from the children’s school all without any trial or evidence. All she did was fill out two forms claiming I was going to kill her and the kids. The courts did this all on unsubstantiated lies.
During this time of isolation, my Case Manager helped me come to terms with the physical and sexual abuse I suffered. I came to realize that I did not deserve to be treated like that. I learned that just because bad things happened to me, doesn’t mean I am bad. I also came to stop blaming myself for everything. I also came to realize that I am worthy of good things, and also that it was okay to protect myself and have needs. I learned the importance of self-care and that being nicer and trying harder doesn’t fix an abusive relationship. Through a long drawn out process of court hearings, common ground, and trial I got to see my kids once a week for an hour, then twice a week for four hours. The court staff at Common Grounds identified my wife as the abuser. At another trial I was awarded temporary sole legal custody of the boys.
My ex-wife also began to abuse our older son on the weekends she had them. I called DFS. They did nothing. I got the police reports and medical reports and called DFS again. They did nothing. She continued to abuse both of the boys physically and emotionally, then she would call the police to accuse them of assaulting her. She called the police on our older son four times and the youngest once. She also told our youngest son the police were taking him away and he would never see his parents or brother again. He started to have panic attacks and be unable to sleep in his room by himself, and I had to find a counselor for him to process this with.
I had to go back to court again, and after that court date, the boys no longer go to their mother’s apartment overnight. The boys are with me Monday through Friday, so they can do sports and band. The boys have no overnights with her for their safety and also I can take them to their events on Saturday. The escape from my abuser was over for me after six years. It took from May 2014 to May 2020 to get untangled and separated from her. The cost emotionally, physically and financially to get me and my kids free was very high. How could anyone endure this alone? How could anyone navigate this alone? My Harmony House Outreach Case Manager Brigitte was a big help. There was no other way to get such a positive ending for me and my boys. I did everything the courts asked of me. There was no easier or quicker way to get through this. I had to go at the court’s pace.
I am still working to get emotionally and socially healthy after fifteen years of abuse. I really needed my Case Manager’s empathy, support, and education. I did not have the ability to escape on my own. I was too hurt, wounded and impaired emotionally. I was socially isolated. My ex-wife didn’t allow me to have friends. She would be very rude to anyone I was close to and send messages pretending to be me, and most of them left. I was completely alone when I left. My Harmony House Outreach Case Manager helped me to safely leave my abusive marriage, and reenter society. I also could not have made it without my attorney and his paralegal. I needed a team skilled enough to get me out of that situation. They were worth every penny and I could not have done it without them.