HILDA

PHOTO BY RANDY BACON

HILDA

“Love Yourself First”

My story. I don’t know how to start that. I survived it. Fourteen years of it. And I came out powerful and strong because of it. I hate what happened to me, but I also don’t resent what happened to me. It is part of my story.

Domestic violence started out slow in my life. It was never a hit. It was, “I don’t like those shoes, change your shoes.” “I don’t like that make up, it’s too much.” “I don’t like the way your hair is.” “I don’t like that shirt on you. I don’t like those pants on you.” It’s little controlling things that happen over a long period of time, before the physical violence ever starts. It’s mental. It’s a control. It’s power. It’s them taking the power away from you and absorbing it into themselves. And when they realize they have nothing else that mentally they can control over you, the physical comes. And for most of us that’s out here, from the women that I know, we would rather have the physical than the mental. Because the physical we can heal from, but the mental stays with us for the rest of our life.

But I don’t resent what happened to me. I’m not mad about what happened to me. Because now I have an opportunity in my life to make something beautiful out of it. I have the opportunity to share my story with other women and say, “if I did it, you can do it.”

Nine broke bones. Four missing teeth. Two broke noses. Three surgeries. All at the hands of one man. Being stabbed and left for dead at the hands of one man. But here I am. Still fighting. And I would’ve never known my strength if I hadn’t known how weak I could be. In my weakness, that’s when I found my strength. If I don’t fight, that’s it. And now I’ve been given the opportunity to share my story with other people. Why not. Why let him have any more power in my life. He don’t deserve it. He’s an abusive man but he’s not my abusive man. He don’t have that no more. I took the power and control back. I won’t give it up for no one else. And now because of who I am, I’m training other women to be who they are. I’m showing them the strength in me so they can find the strength in themselves. So resent it or be mad about it… I forgive him 100%. Because in that darkest moment I found the brightest light. That light was within me and it was there the whole time. He snubbed it out but he didn’t put it out. He just knocked the ember down. It’s still going.

When it comes to others in abusive situations, I have realized that I cannot make them leave the situation that they’re in. Because no one could’ve made me. Nobody. It’s going to take their own “ah-ha” moment, their own “I gotta do this” moment for them to really do it. But I will give them every tool I have at my expense. I have a book full of domestic violence shelters, full of places, full of food, clothing, everything I can give them. But I cannot give them the power to leave. All I can say is look at me, I did it. I cannot push them out the door. Because nobody could’ve pushed me out. It sounds bad, but all I can say is look at me. And if I can, you can. I was left for dead, and yet I still sit here. All I can do is give you the tools to make it happen.

Love yourself first. Because that is the only thing they can take from you that you have to struggle so hard to get back. Because they make you absolutely hate yourself. But the love is there. You just gotta dig deep and find it. Because I am absolutely 100% in love with myself. Because I can do some amazing things with every lesson that I learned. It’s been five years and I never shared my story so thank you. Now the door’s been opened. I learned to love myself. Because of that, I have no fear about sharing who I am anymore.