Shannon "Beauty From Ashes"
Photography by Randy Bacon
Where do I start with my story? I've been blessed with a wonderful, supportive family and yet I've struggled with addiction, self harm, mental illness and abuse. I fought tooth-and-nail to get to where I am today and get back to living a life that doesn't revolve around pain or hurting myself. I was bullied starting in middle school through high school, but the biggest bully was myself. I would tell myself things like, “you're so stupid, everyone hates you, you'd be better off dead”. The biggest voice you listen to is the one inside your head and hearing myself say these things, I started to believe them.
I switched to private school in seventh grade and that was one of the best choices I could have made. I don't want to know what my life would have been like if I hadn't switched schools. In high school I decided to make YouTube videos of me singing just for fun, but there were a group of girls that decided to cyberbully me. While some of the comments made me laugh, others were just hateful and hurtful. These words stayed with me.
Photo by Randy Bacon
On May 21, 2013 I overdosed. It was a cry for attention as to how much I was hurting and that I was desperate and needed help. I didn't feel like people were taking me seriously at the time. This was my first breakdown. I applied to a Christian treatment center and was dead set that I would get in and when I didn't and was told I needed more serious help, I was really disappointed. Discovering Christ's love created a desire in me to get better, heal and do the work from home.
In 2014, I had made it to about six months without self harming when my dad was in a freak accident that resulted in the loss of his legs below the knees. Him being in the hospital for two months and the process of going into a burn unit triggered my mental illness. I was sleep deprived worrying about my dad and how he was going to live without two legs. There were maybe about five or ten times in two months where I did something for myself instead of being at the hospital. I struggled with self harm, guilt, and shame. My grandmother died and this triggered my first manic depressive episode. The episode got and I was a wreck.
I became involved in a Bible study, got around a great group of girls and really dove head-first into why God loves me and what it means to be saved. I had to learn what respect and growing up look like. Although I was sick, I still had to be responsible for my choices.
Photo by Randy Bacon
As of today in 2018 I am so proud to say I have put self-harm behind me and have been walking in freedom for a little over five months now. I am here to say that the past can be messy; mine is absolute proof of that, but God loves to use broken people and there is no limit as to what He can use. If you are willing to be clay in his hands and do the hard work, He will heal you and restore you. It will be hard and painful, you might stumble and fall, but in the end it will be worth it. I want other people to know that it is possible to thrive and not just survive. You don't have to let your circumstances define you or stay stuck in pain. Everything I've gone through has made me strive to be a better person who wants to help other people. I am finishing my bachelor's degree in Human Services and want to become either a school counselor or an LPC. I want other people to know that you don't have to be stuck with your circumstances. Ultimately I want to open a transitional living home for people with mental illness to keep them out of the hospital, but I am passionate about seeing people live their best life free of pain and embracing all God has for them! God can make beauty from ashes!
Story Update
Photo by Randy Bacon
I was hospitalized for depression and self-harm because I relapsed, but I have to choose not to focus on that. I was free for 17 months! A relapse does not define me, and neither does cutting or my scars.
Freedom doesn't come without a cost. Just because I don't self-harm anymore doesn't mean my mind doesn't go back there. I had to relearn how to think, and understand the person I fought to become. I fought to become who I am, but I also got lost along the way.
There have been so many times I have come close to blowing it and hurting myself, but I had to decide that even though I'm married and I have someone who loves me beyond a shadow of a doubt, I have to fight for myself. I had to decide to quit hating myself and choose love, whether that is in tears over a blade or asking someone to come sit with me.
I don’t think I am not good enough or unloveable because of my scars, but I got a half sleeve tattoo to cover them up. They told a story I was not comfortable with everyone knowing, so instead, I turned it into a work of art that I could be proud of. When others ask about it I tell my story about how God has set me free from addiction.
I get that this isn't an easy message to read, but it needs to be read and it needs to be said. Too many people are hurting themselves and hating themselves when there is so much more to life. We are capable of so much more than we give ourselves credit for. Someone I love told me once that hurting myself shows the people around me that I don't care about them. While at first I wanted to run from her words, I realize now that if I truly care about the people around me I am going to fight for them, if I can't do it for myself, then to do it for them.
If you are reading this and need help please take the time to go see a counselor, therapist or get a mentor. There is so much more than living in pain and your life is worth more than a piece of metal.
Photo by Randy Bacon
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