Anthony - Chapter 2 "Transgender"

Photography by Randy Bacon

I think that the biggest reason that I was very prone to depression and anxiety was because of my sexuality. Being transgender and having my religion was one of the biggest things that destroyed me. On one side, I love God with all my heart and there is nothing that will change my mind about that. I know that he loves me and that he created me in his image, and this is how I am.

But on the other hand, family members and friends would preach to me about how homosexuality is a one-way road to hell and that I could not have a relationship with God because I was an ‘abomination’. That really drove me straight into my depression because my whole life growing up was around God, and surrounded by Christianity, and I prided myself in being apart of this religion. When I was old enough to realize that I was transgender, it was a huge revelation to me to realize that there were people in this world who truly believe that you can’t be transgender and have a relationship with God. I don’t agree with that.

When junior year summer rolled around, that was the first year I started to turn to self-harm. Not just cuts and scrapes- I also got into really intense drinking underage. For some people in my life, the only way they thought they could help me get through things was by partying. Junior year summer was all about underage drinking and drug use. It was the only way that I could escape the awful depression and sadness besides sleeping.

I also started freaking out about my future that summer. People don’t often realize how intense being a high school senior is. Thanks to this society we live in, seniors are expected to know their whole life plan by the time that they graduate. I started to freak out about not going anywhere with my life. College wasn’t really in the question since I was born out of the United States, which makes it hard for me to get financial aid.

The biggest thing that I was scared of was not being able to give back to my family. I get so scared thinking about that all time. They have been through so much to get me here and give me all of this opportunity, the ability to chase my dreams and live a happy life. It scares me to think that I may not be able to give back to them. I have a lot of foreign friends who tell me to just live life just for myself, but I can’t. I guess I just wasn’t brought up that way. I want to be able to do what I want, but I want to also be able to give back to my family because they have given me so much and I just can’t imagine not being something for them. All of that built on top of everything sort of led to my downfall