Saylor - Haunting
Photography by Randy Bacon
"The depression was haunting me. I had been pondering suicide for months. Such an easy way out. I questioned myself often about how i would do it, what would happen afterwards, who would care."
"So finally, I did it. It was like a cold wave washed out my mind and my body and I was looking at myself from above when I swallowed the bottle of pills. It didn’t feel real, like I had actually done it, it was so robotic like I had no control over myself, my mind was so dead-set. I could blame my actions on teenage heartbreak. Emotional abuse and infidelity. That hollow feeling that engulfs your chest that you can’t shake no matter what you do. Giving your life to someone who wouldn’t necessarily mind if you weren’t there. I could blame it on the loss of my father at a young age. Being 8 years old and having my dad stolen away from me overnight in a tragic accident onset a lifetime of anxiety and depression. I could place all the blame on self image. Acne scars, pasty white skin, fake hair, fat arms, fat stomach. I truly hated myself."
"I pushed everyone around me in a different direction then wondered where they were once they weren’t part of my life anymore. I was so lonely. All because i shut everyone out. No one’s fault but my own. I thought 'I don’t blame you for leaving.' To myself I was a worthless being just taking up space on this earth, burdening others and offering nothing."
"After I took the pills, I was in the hospital for a week. I had a million and one times over to think about where my life was headed and what i wanted to do with it. I was thinking of living. I ended up couch surfing my way around the east coast when I got out to look at different schools. I went to NYC, Providence, Baltimore, Philadelphia, Miami and Orlando but ended up staying in Georgia. Then I realized, I was thinking of living, instead of dying...and that's just what I am doing now. Now I have a sick apartment in Atlanta with my best friend and our cat Lou, I love where my life is headed and I’m determined to stay alive to see what happens next."
"I am choosing to live and I'm really happy now. "
