Kimberly - "Working Hard at Recovery"
Photo by Randy Bacon
It's taken me 49 years to get where I am today. I've spent so much time and energy taking care of others, while hurting myself in the process. I spent a lot of time being angry at the wrong people. I grew up in a very abusive home. The people who were supposed to protect me, hurt me. My parents divorced when I was 3 years old. My mom had me in beauty pageants, dance and gymnastics. At the tender age of 7, I began to hide food. That was the beginning of my struggle with anorexia. My mom remarried when I was 8. Her new husband was in the Army, and we moved a lot. My first experience with loss was also when I was 8. My baby brother died at home, while I was at school. My mom became very depressed. School was my refuge. I strived for perfection. I wanted to make my mom proud, so that she wouldn't get rid of me too. In my young mind, that's what she had done with my brother. It was in middle school when I began to self-harm. We lived in Hawaii then. Things at home were like a battlefield. I never knew when the next bomb would hit. Restricting food and cutting were the only way I knew to numb my emotions. In my freshman year of school, we moved to Missouri.
In high school, the anorexia was full blown. I had a full schedule. Honors classes, clubs, Cheerleading. ED loved it! The abuse at home continued. I was responsible for taking care of my younger siblings a lot. I felt like I had to protect them. One night during my senior year, after my mom had hurt me again, I couldn't take it anymore and I saw suicide as the only way out. I attempted it. When my mom found out all she had to say was “If you're stupid enough to try it then too bad it didn't work”. I kept going. At 19, I left home against my mother's wishes. I met my husband in January of 1995. We got married in April. Shortly after we got married, I got really sick. Doctors were telling me that I wouldn't be able to have children due to the years of abuse on my body from anorexia. Well, they were wrong.
We moved to Germany our first year together. My daughter was born that year. When she was 6 weeks old my husband was deployed to another country. I was a young, first-time mom in a foreign country. It would have been easy to turn to the eating disorder, but I knew my body had to be nourished in order for my daughter to be nourished. My husband came home when she was 6 months old. Things were finally looking up. I became pregnant with my son soon after I stopped nursing my daughter. It was 3 months after he was born when ED decided to return, along with postpartum depression. That was the first time I ever sought treatment. There wasn't much available in Germany. But I tried. Our little family moved back to Missouri, and I continued to struggle.
I was hospitalized for anorexia for the first time when my children were 3 and 1 years old. That would be the beginning of many years in and out of the hospital. When my son was 8, he was diagnosed with a brain tumor. ED really wanted control of me then, but I had to fight back because my son needed me. My son is doing well today. I have lost both of my parents. My dad died in 2009 and my mom in 2020. I had been estranged from my mom for years. We had just started talking again before she died. I was in the hospital when she died. The Anorexia had gotten worse. I wasn't able to go to her funeral. That's a regret I live with every day.
Photo by Randy Bacon
I was very close to my mother-in-law. I tell people she raised me. She taught me how to be a mom. I was holding her hand when she passed from this earth in March of 2024. That would be the beginning of a journey with grief and anxiety like I have never felt before. It also opened the door for ED again. I've been to treatment. It was always because someone else wanted me too. I didn't want it. After I lost my mother-in-law, something changed. I wanted recovery. It hasn't been easy. The years of anorexia have done much damage to my body. I have a lot of health issues. I've had two heart attacks due to electrolyte imbalance from ED. I had a stroke in the fall of 2024 and began to have seizures. When I almost died in November of 2024, I decided enough was enough! Now I'm trying. For ME. The RecoverEd program at Burrell has helped me so much. I'm going places in therapy that I've never gone before. I'm still working hard at recovery. Some days I feel like it would be so easy to give up. But I know it gets better. I missed out on a lot when my kids were growing up. I don't want to miss out anymore. Eating disorders are thieves. They take away so much. I do think the ED treatment world isn't set up very well for middle aged and older clients. If I had the funds I would open up a center. The needs of older aged clients are often different from both a physical and mental standpoint. You have to be your biggest advocate. Let the rest of the world be your cheerleader!
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