Amber "New Wings"
Photography by Randy Bacon
I have so many mountains I've conquered surviving on this earth, but because of them, I'm now finally living! My childhood was filled with domestic abuse, an alcoholic, drug abusing father, an absent, mentally ill mother and an older sister who rejected me. At the age of 14 I was raped by three men, while my mother slept a room away. I held on to that secret until after I was 18 in fear of my life and no one believed me.
I was living in such a broken world and desperately trying to make my way out. In high school, my father was dealing and doing drugs so heavily, I was forced to tell him to get out of our house or I would! I took on two jobs to support myself, and somehow managed to graduate at the top of my class with honors. During college, I lost my job at a telemarketing company, so a friend of mine suggested I try working as an exotic dancer, because I loved to dance. I had never even been inside a strip club! But, by the age of 19, I was a stripper and soon traveling all over Missouri dancing on many stages for countless men. From 2008-2011, I was considered a veteran dancer and became a mentor and recruiter to over 20 girls. Through the years I remained strong minded and stayed out the dark world of porn and prostitution.
At that time, you couldn’t have paid me a big enough amount of money for sex. Even when the need for finances took me to other cities where temptations of earning a lot money got waved in my face and I was pressured daily, I still refused. Then, on one weak, broken and regretful day, I cracked under the pressure as a new found girlfriend of mine came flashing around her earnings, material possessions and gifts. I became envious and greedy and jumped on her bandwagon - I began the most horrifying and unimaginable path of prostitution!
The first year I brought in about $100,000 and was using drugs to numb myself just so I could turn tricks. I had a lavish but ultimately empty lifestyle and was spiraling down into the fiery depths of hell! I felt trapped, unforgivable, unloved and completely dead inside. I realized I could never be loved by another until I first forgave and loved myself. So when I thought I met "the one", I instantly made the decision to take my savings to get out the darkness and run full speed towards the light. My light was short shined two years later when "the one" was ripped away from me and then made me out to be a joke. He lied and left me completely shattered. I had no one to help pick up the pieces, and I was now a single mother of two children. The only way I knew to support myself and my babies was to get back into prostitution. I was disgusted at myself and the degrading, sickening decision, but I knew had to feed, clothe and provide for my babies.
Now it’s hard to forgive myself for the things I put myself through and how could I have gone from being a popular, accomplished, A honor roll student to a dirty, disgraceful, drug abusing prostitute? So life's pitches took me through the most unimaginable unforgettable experiences, filled with abuse and depression of all kinds. About a year later I couldn't continue down the self destructive path or look at the reflection of the woman in the mirror. Finally, I just knew I had to change my life first for my babies and then myself! I discovered my unfailing love for a local church and its ministries.
In February 2014, I was baptized. Almost two years later, I still remain strong and determined and never miss Sunday service. I joined a single mother's group to help relieve the chaos and stresses of being the role of mom and dad 24/7. I wake up in the morning and think about the dream that pierces my heart - I want to make my children proud. I want them to see that I am an impactful person who has a beautiful, powerful voice that needs to be heard in a positive way. And there's more to life just being a pretty girl with a lot of money and flashy possessions. Now when I am face to face with any dark places I am quick to remember the pain, loneliness, and long climb out the dark that I've made. And I instantly bounce back and return to the light of my new life, as I strive to be the important person I constantly dream of. I want this not just for my kids and me, but for others struggling with this very thing we call life.
At last, the chapters of my long story of pain, physical, and sexual abuse have slowly lifted, and have rotated into new chapters of a loving fulfilling life. I want to tell all people struggling YOU ARE STRONG, and no matter what, NEVER GIVE UP. God is listening he wipes away your every tear so PRAY about it each night to give you the strength. Take one day at a time as it comes and never to dwell on the things you cannot control.
I now fly on my new wings and I am soaring higher and higher as each new day brings! I choose to never look back on any of the old rain, I only focus on looking up as I soar so confidently and strong for I know I am ready to conquer any of this life's new rain head on!