Brittany and Bill - Final Chapter "Broken or Happy?"

Photography by Randy Bacon

Brittany's Words

One of the hardest things about having lost children is that you can’t talk about them without making people sad. I was pregnant and had all the stuff that that entails, my body changed, I had to relinquish control of my very person to three little being I hadn’t met yet.  Many parts of the pregnancy were good, some were bad, but none of them are things I can talk about with others without consequences. Recently, I was at a friend’s baby shower and several other women were giving advice to the "mother to be" about things that made them more comfortable while pregnant.  I have learned from experience that although I may have something to contribute in that situation its better if I don’t because if I do someone will ask “oh how many children do you have” or “I didn’t know you had kids” and then I have to explain that although I was pregnant with triplets I am not a mother. Then the conversation stops, no one knows what to say.  I find myself often thinking of others feelings, wanting them to be comfortable so I don’t say anything or I say something that may not be completely honest but which will result in fewer awkward feelings. It is as though a year of my life didn’t happen. A year that completely changed who I am and how I see the world, is something I rarely talk about.

People seem to equate marriage with having children. That since Bill and I don’t have children we aren’t a family, that we are missing something. People seem to have a hard time understanding that we could be happy in our marriage without children. That our lives could be full and happy as they are. I love Bill so much, our marriage is one of the few things I have absolute confidence in. The tragedies that we endured in 2009 may have physically happened to me, but we faced them together. We decided what was next for us together and in doing so our connection and commitment was strengthened. I know that whatever happens he is there supporting me as I will always be for him, we are so much more than simply a couple, we are a family.

Our family may be small, but it is mighty.