AMY

PHOTO BY RANDY BACON

AMY

“I Want You To Know”

I want you to know that you are not alone.

One night he had been drinking and wanted to go to his dad’s house to drink. I begged him not to drive. Our three-month old baby was asleep in the next room. The argument turned into a physical brawl. He had both hands full of my hair and was pounding my head on the floor in a complete rage. I managed to get free and was one step ahead of him as he reached for the telephone receiver. He hit me in the head so many times that I saw stars. I do not remember how I got out of the apartment to call 911. I had patches of hair that were missing and bruises from head to toe. He spent the night in jail and came home the next day. I know what it’s like when someone you love comes home and tells you he is sorry and he loves you and will never hit you again adding, “If you had just let me go, none of this would have happened. Please don’t leave. Besides, who’s going to want you if you leave me anyway?”

Like most little girls, I dreamed of growing up and having a family like I had with parents who truly loved and respected each other. My story is made up from several relationships I have had in my life. They weren’t bad all of the time. The good times make you question whether the bad times were as bad as you thought they were. I mean, you survived right? It couldn’t have been that bad, could it? Is it really abuse if it isn’t as bad as someone else’s story?

I want you to know that it is not your fault.

It was a Sunday afternoon and we had just made it home from church. As I was walking to the kitchen, he asked me a question and he didn’t like the answer I gave him. He threw the remote control at me. When it hit my leg, it shattered into pieces. As I got on my hands and knees to pick up the buttons and pieces of the remote, all I could think was “What is wrong with me?” I left and went to talk to his mom. When I raised my skirt to show his mother the bruised knot that covered my thigh, she too, turned it back on me. “You know he has a temper. You are going to have to learn to keep your mouth shut.” So, it was my fault? Was she right? I knew he had a temper. Am I really supposed to walk on eggshells, sacrifice my own dignity and just take what he dishes out to prevent him from getting upset and taking it out on myself or my kids?

I want you to know that bad things happen to good people.

While visiting my aunt, we were looking through photo albums. We came across pictures of “the barn” that only showed up in the nightmares that I had been having. Until this moment, I had never told anyone that I had been having these horrible dreams. She knew instantly by my reaction that I too had been the victim of the man who had abused her as a child. Surviving something like that breaks a part of you that you don’t even realize is broken. It leaves you feeling dirty and unworthy of any sort of healthy relationship. He was right, who is going to want you now???

When we picked up our daughter from church, he didn’t like her attitude. He was hell-bent on making her pay for it. He was as determined to give her a spanking as she was determined it was not going to happen. I watched in horror as this 320-pound man wrestled a 98 pound 13-year-old child in my living room. I tried helplessly to pull him off her, but I wasn’t strong enough. I hit him in the back of the head and neck multiple times trying to get him to let her go and come after me instead. All I could hear is her screaming and struggling to get her breath.

Then suddenly, he turned around to face me. He had her in a choke hold with one arm and the other fist was clenched and aimed at me. He let her go and punched the lamp that was next to where I was standing. Shattered glass went everywhere. I screamed for her to run. We left that night with nothing but the clothes on our back. How worthless was I now? What kind of mother am I to have not been able to save her from those moments of terror? Who lives like this?

There are things we endure that we don’t share with anyone for fear of being judged or looked down on. Those are the things I started telling God. When your life feels out of control, all you need is one person to tell you and show you they believe in you. That is a game changer.

Everything changes when you begin to love yourself. Once you realize your worth, you don’t ever want to go backwards. You also can see it when you see someone else who is struggling. You want to help them out of that darkness. You want them to love themselves enough to fight for them too.

If you are in a situation that resembles anything I have shared, please reach out to someone. Reach out to God. Take that first terrifying step and talk to someone. You are so much more than the degrading lies you are being told. You are not alone. There is nothing wrong with you. You cannot control anyone else’s emotions or reactions. You deserve good things in life. You deserve to be treated with respect. You deserve to live a happy and healthy life.