BRENDA AND KIRK

PHOTO BY RANDY BACON

BRENDA AND KIRK

“We Live Free”

KIRK: I was born in to a Pastor’s family. My upbringing was one of being in church and involved in ministries.

My Dad was the undisputed king of the castle, and Mom was the typical submissive wife. Whatever Dad said always went, and I never heard Mom cross him. It was from my Dad I learned a disrespectful attitude toward Mom and women in general. Dad also was a very critical man behind closed doors. He could be harsh and stern at times, and I remember growing up being on the receiving end of his harsh criticism many times. And then there came the day when my Dad “disciplined” me in an incredibly inappropriate way. When I went through counseling I would learn that this event left a mark on my life and was the foundational event that fueled my rage.

BRENDA: I met Kirk at a college Bible study group. I had been praying since my mid-teens that God would give me a godly husband someday. Kirk and I had our first date, after four years of friendship. To pursue this relationship, I postponed my last year of college. Instead, I got a job working as a specialized counselor assistant with a therapeutic preschool. Shortly after getting hired on I got married to my friend Kirk.

KIRK: At first during our dating everything was wonderful. But as time went on I started to see behaviors in me that should have been a huge red flag. When we would have an argument I would nurse the grudge all day long and return home from work just as angry as I started out that morning. Sometimes we would argue and I would get out of control. Not only did I not understand what abuse was, I also was in denial about the depth of my own issues.

They say the first year of marriage is the hardest. It is even harder still when the husband is being abusive toward his new wife. As you might guess, my behavior did not stop after marriage. It intensified. Along with the emotional and verbal abuse I had done to her, now I began to physically abuse her.

BRENDA: My husband physically abused me eleven times in our first year of marriage. He said it was my fault. I agreed. I was failing as a Christian wife. Ephesians 5:22-25 seemed to mock me. “Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord” (v. 22). What does it mean to submit? Why is this impossible for me? Broken in spirit I began to pray that God would change me so that I wouldn’t keep failing. When God would not change me, I doubted God’s love for me. Why wasn’t God giving me the power to change my bad behavior? Why did God abandon me? To cope, I isolated from friends and hid the abuse from my church family. I couldn’t bear their rejection too. No one knew my struggle. I was alone.

KIRK: I was mortified by my behavior. In the typical pattern of an abusive man, I would apologize, give flowers or cards, promise to never do it again, only to do the same thing not many weeks later. I found myself stuck in a pattern of behavior I could not control, and to make matters worse I shifted the blame to her for my actions.

One afternoon Donahue was on, and it featured a couple who had been through domestic violence and their marriage had survived. They were on the show sharing their story and fielding questions from the audience and those who called in. I sat there like a deer in the headlights. It was like they had opened all my mail and read it. When the show was over, I looked at Brenda. I still remember the look on her face. Her words to me? “I don’t know what to say.” At that point I knew what I had to do. I needed to go for help.

BRENDA: When Kirk said he was going for help I begged him not to. I felt like he was exposing me. I called an older woman I considered a spiritual mentor. I confessed to her what had been going on. I went on and on admitting how I was failing as a Christian wife. I told her that I knew I was supposed to be this and that. When I was finished there was a pause. I didn’t expect her to say what she did. She said, “You are only responsible for your behavior and he is responsible for his.” This was freeing because I believed that I was responsible for how he treated me.

When my husband signed us up for the Domestic Violence Program (DVP) I was surprised that other Christians were experiencing the same problem. In the program I learned that my husband’s behavior was not my fault. My husband began to change his behavior. But, I trusted too quickly. DVP classes ended and things were getting better between us. I was grateful until he physically abused me again, several months later. This time I spiraled into a deep depression and had suicidal urges

I refused to accept his abuse anymore and realized that the abuse had never really stopped. My husband repeatedly threatened to divorce me while telling me how I disappointed him. I didn’t recognize his mental and emotional abuse as abuse. I left.

KIRK: While she was gone, I was reeling, trying to figure out what had happened. I was driving down the highway, still deeply disturbed by my actions, and I looked toward heaven and prayed this prayer. “Lord, You know how much I have tried to change. You know how much I have worked at it. You know how much I have given myself to these programs that are supposed to help men overcome this behavior. And yet here I am again. I’m done Lord. I give this over to You. If You don’t change me, nothing is going to change. Amen.”

It turns out that was no ordinary day. That was the day that Christ finally set me free. For you see, when Brenda came back home she tested me…for the next year she pushed all my known buttons to try to get me to act out. The thing is none of them worked anymore. The buttons were disconnected.

BRENDA: Before returning to Kirk I wrote down a list of the things I would no longer live with. I did not write ultimatums but set personal boundaries about things I would refuse to accept. It was just as much for me as it was for my husband. I gave him the list hoping that he would break just one of them so that I could leave with good reason. After a year of testing and tempting my husband to break just one of the directives on my list and he didn’t, I had to decide if I was going to stay or go. God worked in my heart and I decided to give things one more try. I stayed.

It has now been nineteen years and we live free of the trauma of domestic violence.