KAI

PHOTO BY RANDY BACON

KAI

“You Can Overcome”

I spent the first part of my childhood in California, raised by my great grandmother Arlee. This woman was so amazing to me. She was born in December 1913 in Mississippi. She told me her experiences with slavery and how the day she had the opportunity to march with Dr. King was her favorite moment of life. The most valuable thing she taught was to always treat people how I want to be treated. I want to be treated good, so I make sure I do my best with keeping a smile on the faces that I encounter as often as I can.

While staying with Arlee, my birth mom would come to either see me or pick me up on the weekends and I always wondered why I did not live with my own mother who was alive and well and lived in the same city and state and had three other children. I would often be teased in school about not having parents and I began to grow angry inside.

I moved in with my mom when I was 11 years old, after Arlee passed away from lung cancer, and I began to see my father more. He explained he was unable to be around me much and that he always would reach out. Still, I was angry. I only went off of what I seen. A few years later we moved to Chicago, he went to prison, we became pen pals. For years we wrote to each other and talked on the phone. He became my best friend. The next time I saw him was the last time I would ever see him. Our relationship was maintained through long phone calls and letters. Those were some of the best moments of my life.

As I spent time with my mother, I witnessed a lot of domestic violence. I watched it happen to her right before my eyes. I saw my aunts and uncles fight each other, I have seen men in my family abuse women. Everyone stayed together after the fights and abuse as if it was normal.

I started my first relationship at thirteen-years-old, looking for love. That relationship eventually became extremely abusive and I soon after became pregnant at fifteen. I stayed. I believed he did it because he loved me. “Nobody is going to want you,” I would hear often. A slap would turn into a punch, then a punch would be a busted mouth, stitches, almost dropped out of high school, low self-esteem, no self-worth, procrastination, suicide attempts, more children, etc... I became what I had seen growing up, immune. This toxic behavior continued into my adult life.

Before you knew it, I had four children, a college degree, and no identity. I was severely depressed with a drinking problem. My relationship had ended and I had moved back home with my mother. I love that woman so much. I understand her more today than I ever have. She did the best she could do with what she had. We never went without. She knew how to survive. I know that is where I get my strength from, my mommy. I was at the lowest point of my life. I convinced myself that I needed to have a buzz just so I wouldn’t feel the pain. One day she looked at me and said, “this has to stop.” She bought me five one-way bus tickets to Missouri. I had nothing left, I had no more fight left in me. I accepted my mother’s offer, I moved to Missouri with four children, one suitcase and $20. My mother saved my life.

Being in Missouri has changed my life for the best. My mother and I are the best of friends. I can now understand why she made some of the decisions she made. She also shared her childhood trauma and I understand what level of pain she has been carrying her entire life. That woman is a warrior and my biggest supporter. My favorite woman in all of the universe.

My now five children are doing good, they have made their own mistakes along the way. I always tell them, “if you make a mistake, hold yourself accountable and do not make the same mistake again.” “Treat people as you want to be treated, always make sure to love yourself at all times.” Everything I do is for them.

Most of my days are spent creating quotes, writing, volunteering, mentoring women and girls. Encouraging self-love and educating my community on domestic violence awareness is how I want to spend the rest of my life. I really enjoy the work that I do. It keeps me happy knowing that I can impact the lives of others in the way that I do.

I have learned that with a positive mindset, you can overcome anything. When you value your life and your peace, there are certain people and situations that cannot get a moment of your attention. I have become my own best friend. I have made some great friendships that I cherish and that I will forever be grateful for. I am surrounded by beautiful people who, “treat me as they want to be treated” and pour into me as a person.